recuperating

Message:
1. Has anyone ever told you you have
pretty eyes?
pretty? ahmmm i think somebody said i look Japanese but then with my eyebags, who would notice?

2. How long have you been breathing?
- 25 years and im tired with it. Can i die already?
.
3. What have you learned lately?
- that my life just wont get better. im just f***ed no matter how good i try to be
.
4. How many pillows do you like to sleep with?
- just one for my head and a blanket please
.
5. Do you like blue cheese?
- i hate cheese... except if theyre on pizza or on cheesecakes
.
6. Do you trust people too easily or not enough?
- you wouldn't believe it, i could even love that easily. when will i ever learn
.
7. What's the color of the soap in your bathroom?
- white
.
8. Do you ever bite your lip?
- yep... it chaps sometimes
.
9. What brand of body lotion do you use?
- i use body oil... locks moisture
.
10. Should country music die?
- ahmmm well, somebody else likes them
.
11. When was the last time you cried?
- like ahmm 2hrs ago
.
12. Are you ticklish?
- on some parts
.
13. Are camera phones worth it?
- hmmm yeah i guess
.
14. Are there too many commercials on tv?
- that's why i dont watch local channels...
.
15. When was the last time someone said something that really bothered you?
- just today, 8am... cried for like an hour after F*CK!

16. Do you have a crazy side?
- i do... you wouldnt wanna see it
.
17. Do you ever keep arguing even when you know you’re wrong?
- i do... i just like to emphasize some points... im great with defending myself
.
18. How did you wear your hair today?
- just rolled out of bed... what is there to look forward to anyway
.
19. Do long distance relationships work?
- some does but relationships just doesnt work for me... it's like im cursed or somethin
.
20. Scuba diving or Skydiving?
- how bout just DYING?
.
21. What do you like people to call you?
- kim

22. Do you put your subject before you type the bulletin or after?
- after
.
23. What are you listening to?
- the birds, now that uve mentioned it i gotta step up my mood before i kill myself
.
24. Is there someone you want to fight?
- just fight? i wanna just strangle him, make him feel the pain i feel... God i wanna die
.
25. Are you missing anyone?
- i shouldn't be. if i do, il die
.
26. What were you doing an hour ago?
- occupying my mind with other stuff to keep my tears from falling. u should see how big my eye bags are
.
27. Are you outgoing?
- yeah... if somebody asks me to go out
.
28. Where do you wish you were right now?
- HELL? yeah... anywhere not to feel this pain right now.
.
29. Who are you currently texting?
- nobody. might as well throw my phone away
.
30. Are you comfortable with answering these personal questions?
- yeah, anything to distract me

31. Have you ever cried and didn't know the reason why?
- i cried just now... i wouldnt wna say why
.
32. When is the last time you were truly happy with your life?
- i have been for like almost a year till like the msgs came pouring... so F***cked

33. Where was your default picture taken?
- what was my default picture again? i think in MKT! MKT! Makati, some hours after puking in the plane
.
34. What is your favorite color?
- BLACK... it's the color of my soul
.
35. What do you do when you have a bad day?
- i wanna kill myself
.
36. Have you ever visioned your own wedding?
- oh just GET LOST!!!

flashbacks at the appliance shop

A PAIN STRICKEN TRIP TO THE STORE

Before going home, I stopped by the mall to drop my sister’s entries for her wanting to win a new car. Having nothing to do, Marc told me to go window shop for some things at the appliance store. We looked at the coffee makers, laughed at my stupidity as to how a certain fan rotates, and looked at some refrigerators, tried to find one which looked just like the one in my now close friend ex’s kitchen. Marc said some words that made me realized something painful and inevitable. I went on ahead to relieve myself of the pain, trying to pretend that the words didn’t bother me, and looked at some laundry machines trying hard to replace my emotion with the mental picture of my friend’s laundry machine I saw at her home. As I was coping with the pain we went on to the TV’s and looking at the clear, big screens of the LCD TV, scenes of dreams for my life suddenly flashed and took over me.

As the Street Fighter characters simulate a fight before me, my father’s liking for the TV and a dream he told me reminded me of whom he wanted me to be. I remembered him persuade/advise/ask-ing me that I want to become a lawyer someday. I can’t remember what I answered him. Suffering from low self-esteem because of my thin and ugly looks, I think I declined the idea seeing how confident and in the spotlight lawyers were in the movies I saw. Not following my dad’s wish didn’t hurt me at all but not being able to fulfill what I could have become really got to me.

I wanted to leave the place, hating myself for how shallow and simple I took and lived the past twenty five years of my life. I know I have other things to blame for how I turned up to be, but not being strong enough to prove and show the world what I could have become really made me sad. Letting the people that mean most to me down was even more painful. I blamed myself for not knowing how and what life really is. I consider myself quite knowledgeable at school and some things but the knowledge I had back then was just put to waste with the way I think and acted. I wasted my time. I shoved the chance of my becoming something further away and my giving the people I love the things they really need and dream and want.

Eating one of my favorite food didn’t help take my mind of what happened at the store. My insides cried for that which I wasted and neglected. What he said and what I realized inside justified the fact that it is I alone who holds the key to my happiness and my need for self importance. Going to the store didn’t just made me sad and realize where I am now, financially. It made me realize how much time, effort and emotion I wasted with what I did and with what I still do now. I know I need to act if I want to fulfill that which I dream but the pain has taken over me and sometimes it leaves me sleepless and crying in the night. Emptiness, betrayal, and hopelessness overwhelm me and my emotions hinder me to do something about all these things for now…

Saturday, September 6, 2008